Some Rules of the Bean

1. Tan mocha = a mocha with less than the normal amount of chocolate. Yes, it still qualifies as a mocha. The barista at Seattle’s Best had no idea what I was asking her to make when I ordered this. What I can’t understand, for the LIFE OF ME, is why the concept of a tan mocha isn’t 100% self-explanatory. I realize it sounds kind of like a high-maintenance order but it just isn’t. I have this one lady at work who orders a hug mocha (half white-half regular chocolate) but wants us to use regular coffee in it instead of espresso and only a certain amount of regular coffee. It also has to be skim milk. Sometimes she wants whipped cream. Sometimes she doesn’t. That qualifies as confusing. Not a tan mocha.

2. If you are a man and you order a drink with raspberry flavoring in it, you need to change your drink order. I don’t care if it tastes good. Raspberry drinks are ridiculously feminine. It is ideal for a man to order black coffee, but other acceptable drinks would be a mocha (with extra espresso), a plain latte, a doppio, or possibly an au lait.

3. I really don’t know why, but chocolate or white chocolate syrup in drinks just isn’t right. Where I work and everywhere I regularly order coffee, we use powder. It’s just the right thing to do.

4. If you irritate the barista, remember: she (or he) is making your beverage. I’m not saying I’ll actually do anything to it, but I’ve had conversations with other baristas about this and sometimes they will purposefully put under or over-extracted shots of espresso in your drink because you were a jerk. Some baristas, if they are really mean, will make your drink decaf or with whole milk when you ordered skim. Just be nice to them. I wasn’t mean to Tan-Mocha Tracy. I just told her what was up with the tan-mocha thing in a non-condescending way and left a good tip.

5. If you’re waiting in a long line just to order a decaf drink, it might be a good idea to go to the back of the line and let the caffeine-deprived people get their fix first. I cannot understand why, except for heart-related reasons or, if you’re a Christian, not wanting to be mastered by even a legal  addictive stimulant, someone would order a decaf drink before like 4 PM. So if you’re chipper at 7:00 but just want the taste of coffee without the caffeine, get to the back.

6. Speaking of decaf, it’s nasty. Also, as a sidenote, I love it when people misspell the word “decaf”. For a while, our decaf pot at work was labeled “decalf”. Oh, so this is the coffee that doesn’t have the cow. Okay. Anyway, when we put the coffee grounds in the filters, you can absolutely smell the difference between decaf and regular, and you can taste it, too. It smells disgusting. I just don’t advocate drinking that.

7. Ordering a hot drink with some kind of really acidic flavor in it isn’t a good idea. Heating up the milk and then adding it to the acidic syrup (usually a citrus flavor, like orange or lemon) makes the milk curdle. I had to perfect the process of dealing with acidic syrup when I had a regular customer that drank orange white hot chocolate. He said it tasted like Dreamsicle. I still think that’s gross.

8. I found out somehow that light roasts have the most caffeine, so I laugh inside a little when people are super-tired and are like, “Ohhhh man…I could really use some dark roast right now.” Also, I think regular coffee actually has more caffeine than a shot of espresso, so I think it’s funny that people order lattes for the caffeine or whatever, when they should probably just be drinking fresh brew.

Those are some coffee rules for you.